Thursday, May 15, 2014

waking up and getting up has never been easy...

I don't know if it's the rain or the ennui or the fatigue. I woke up not feeling like rolling out of bed and going to work, getting here is fine, the ritual of caffeinated beverage and big riffs, getting things done feels all right. The attempt to walk it off feels unsuccessful, maybe it's the relentless rain. Maybe it's the realization of other things.

I woke up angry this morning, replaying the events of last night, which started out out amazing, but which soured by the end of the night when basic shit like chivalry and seeing me home end up being cancelled out by too much booze affecting the other parties involved and other factors which led to me probably getting more angry than I ever have in my life and letting my feelings be known with a hefty dose of FCC-unapproved language. I shouldn't have to shame someone into doing the right thing. It's not because I'm crazy or jealous or bossy, it's pretty much a can you keep your word and can I please care about my basic safety. I am now reconsidering everything about the friendship and pondering grace and forgiveness and also trying to be rational about my frustration and resentment at always being the heroine and the strong one and the hardass when I know my vulnerability and it makes me feel profoundly alone, angry, and constrained.

People who think bike culture is a viable substitute for cars in gentrifying urban areas are almost undoubtedly not single females who view cutting back alone through almost-hoods as a recipe for being a potential crime statistic.

Dammit, I'm pissed.

1 comment:

  1. angry is ok, there are limits to what we can take and sometimes enuff is enuff